Parenting Blindspots

Let me start by stating that my wife and I home educate both of our children. She is the primary educator of our two children.  We have friends who educate at home, others have chosen a private school and others have selected the public school system.  We have friends who have chosen one form and then through various circumstances have chosen a different form of education for their children.  We respect the choices which they prayerfully have made for their families and we pray that their children will be protected by the Lord wherever they are educated.

Recently, there has been a blog post circulating around the Internet which has kind of reached a semi-viral status. The post is titled "Homeschool Blindspots" and can be found here. This post, by Josh Harris, is a summary of a longer article written by Reb Bradley which is called: Exposing Major Blind Spots of Homeschoolers.  Personally, the original article would have been much better if it had been written to all parents and didn't specifically target home based education.  I have read many comments stating that the recommendations can be applied to parenting in general.  I would definitely agree with those statements.  However, I have read many, many comments blasting home based education and using the arguments contained in the article to backup their claims.  The Bible is clear that parents are responsible for the education of their children. Whether you educate at home or you choose to enlist outside means, such as a private/public school, tutors, etc... is irrelevant. You, as the parent, need to be active in their education.  You need to know what is being taught to your children. You need to know if what they are being taught is counter to Scripture.

The article starts out by stating that there are many parents who have home educated their children and many of these children didn't "turn out" the way their parents had expected. These parents were shocked, dismayed and confused when their methods didn't work as expected. The article by Reb Bradley was written to expose the issues which are encountered by "homeschoolers and other family-minded people."  For clarity sake, I will follow Josh Harris' bullet points and not Reb Bradley's.

1. The first issue pertains to the parents having "self-centered dreams."  This is hardly something which can be isolated to home school families and is definitely not exclusive to our education choices.  Certainly, home school parents can be guilty of this. However, parents who choose to educate their children at a private or public school can easily be guilty of this.  An example of this can be as simple as a father who was a soccer stud in his glory years and now tries to live vicariously through his children's sports activities.  If you have been around any children's sporting event, you have seen this type of father.  He is the one who believes that his child's potential is being stifled by the know-nothing coach.  This is a very common form of a parent having "self centered dreams."  The writer states that he and his wife were "devastated" when their 18 year son started acting out and disrespecting their authority.  He states that his dreams were destroyed by his son's decisions.  Mr. Bradley also mentions that he controlled his children with fear of authority.  Possibly, by home schooling, these parents believed that they could protect their son from seeing examples of disrespect and therefore their son would not disrespect them as he grew older.  Either way, this issue did not stem from where they educated their son, but from his own sin nature.  This child would likely have rebelled against their authority if he were at a private Christian school. These parents appear to have forgotten that we are all sinful by nature and as a result, we are all selfish and want our own way.  This means that we will all, at some point in our lives, disrespect authority. It really doesn't matter whether the authority figure be man or God. We all have a propensity to disrespect that authority figure. A son who disrespects his parents when he is 18 is not a problem which is exclusive to home school families. Christian parents who have sent their children to public and private school have experienced, and will continue to experience, the exact same thing. In many cases, these devastated parents could also have been more concerned with the outward form (see point 3) than with reaching the child's heart.
     
2. The 2nd issue raised was "Raising Family as an Idol."
   
   Mr. Bradley writes that: "We know we have made our family an idol when we put our hope and trust in it more than in God – we look to it rather than God for our identity and significance. And we know we look to our family for our significance when it has the most power to lift us up or to demoralize us. It is most obvious in a public setting when we either glory in our children or become enraged when they embarrass us. Our children are either the source of our pride or our disappointment, depending on whether or not they help us achieve our image of a strong family."  I would suggest that this issue is also not only a home education issue. This issue is very possible, and possibly even prevalent, in the church as a whole.  Due to our sin nature, mankind is bent to make idols out of almost anything. It could be family, money, status, etc... but our idol could even be our local church. I have seen and know of situations where the goal of the children in public settings was to not embarrass the parents in any public setting including church. If the child did something to embarrass the parent, the child knew what was waiting for them when they got home. And most likely, the discipline would be twice as severe as it would have been if the children would have done whatever they did in the privacy of their home. 
   
   My wife and I were members of a church where the leadership of the church absolutely refused to assist anybody who home educated their children. By any means necessary, they prodded, cajoled, coerced, manipulated and used guilt to populate/fund their private school.  There was a visible sense of pride when enrollment records were beaten each year.  The interesting thing is that my wife's graduating class consists of people who have fallen away from the Lord and are now caught up in sinful, wicked lifestyles.  We were told that home schooling wouldn’t prepare our children and public school was the equivalence of feeding our children to the wolves. We were effectively told that the best way to protect our children and ensure that they turned out “right” was to put them in the church’s school. Yet, somehow the Christian school failed to “save” all of the children from straying from the Lord, even though the parents were essentially promised as much.  It's because they couldn't control the outcome any different than Mr. Bradley and his wife could control their son's decision making.  
   
   Whether they are right or wrong, our children will make their own decisions.  We can only guide them so much.  Either way though, where or how your child is educated does not guarantee that they will go on to live for the Lord.
     
3. The 3rd issue raised was "Emphasizing Outward Form."  This section talked about outward adherence to rules, without the heart being affected. He then makes a point that Pharisees were not gaining holiness because of their outward appearances, which is very true. However, I have been in, and seen first hand, more than one church who has been guilty of putting undo emphasis on hair style and length, how shiny the man's shoes are, an unwritten dress code and other extra-biblical, ancillary items.  In some circles, even which translation of the Bible you carry is more important than whether your heart is being changed by the living Word of God.
   
   The writer then inserts a question which he asked to a dying mother. He asked her if there would be anything that she would have done differently.  Her reply was that she would have bought more bread, as opposed to baking it, so that she could have spent more time with her children.  Using a dying mother's reply that “she would have baked less bread” in an article detailing the "dangers" of home schooling was interesting, at best. If any cancer stricken, dying mother of public/private school children was asked that same question, she likely would have said that she would have preferred to have spent more time with her children.  If they are truly honest, every dying mother and father who has a chance to answer that question will tell you something that they wish they would have done differently. Maybe they spent too much time cleaning the house, spent too much time on their hobbies, spent too much time away at work, etc….   It would not be difficult to find parents who wished that they would have spent more time with their children.
   
   Outward adherence to rules, whether they be God's or man's, does not ensure a regenerate heart.
   
     
4. This issue was titled "Tending to Judge."  From my experience, judgmental spirits are definitely not limited to families who educate at home.  If you only want to include those who claim to be Christian in the discussion, there are many in churches which were guilty of this very thing.  Judgmentalism takes many forms, but for purposes of this post I will not stray from education.  In their case, you were looked down upon if you home schooled or sent your child to public school.  If you had children of school age and you wanted to be included in the "approved" crowd, you had to send your children to an approved private school. Many in this church, including the lead pastor, were not supporters of home schooling and we were essentially told that the private school was the best, and possibly only, choice for "producing" godly children for the parents. I have witnessed the judgmental spirit towards my family from those who choose private and public education.  I was guilty of this and by God's grace he has shown me where I have sinned in this area.  Now, I try very hard not to judge those whose education choices differ from what we choose to do.  I have heard the comments that since we home school our children, we must not have faith that God will protect them.  I have heard that somehow, I am weaker than my brother who sends his children off to public school.   This is not necessarily the case for either of us.  I don't believe that I am stronger or weaker than my brother, regardless of where either of chooses to educate our children.
   
   Please keep in mind that NO form of eduction is perfect.  I won't judge your choice.  Please don't judge mine. 
   
    
5. The next issue raised was that home school families have a propensity of "Depending on Formulas."  Reliance on any man-made method to protect or save our children, or ourselves for that matter is a form of idolatry. We can do almost everything right (or at least what we think is right) and our children may go either direction. This issue is also not unique to homeschooling.  The Church even relies on formulas, such as catechisms, to teach our children scripture.
   
   Every form of education has its own formulas.  We need to remember that formulas are not inherently bad. They do, however, become a stumbling block when we rely on them more than we rely on God.
   
     
6. The next issue raised was "Over-Dependence on Authority and Control."
   
   The writer states that "No amount of parental control or restriction will guarantee that a child will turn out exactly as directed. Obviously, our training increases the likelihood our children will cling to the faith when they reach maturity, or turn back to Christ if they do enter a season of rebellion, but our training does not guarantee the desired outcome."  
   
   Exactly. And this is true for all families.
   
   Mr Bradley also states that "We weren’t ogres – our home was full of affection – but we relied upon fear of our authority as the main source of motivation for our children. What we didn’t realize was that there is a great difference between intimidating children into subjection and winning their hearts into submission. Intimidating children into subjection merely gains outward compliance. Winning their hearts means gaining greater opportunity to influence their values."   (emphasis mine)
   
   Exactly.  And I believe that relying on fear/intimidation to control your teenagers will often result in their rebellion.  I have witnessed it.  I have seen teenagers run for the door and others with their feet 3/4 of the way out of the door, just waiting until they could escape.  All because of hypocritical, overbearing, over-controlling and/or intimidating fathers.  Based off his article, I sense that he relied on fear/intimidation into his son's teenage years.  Boys will tend to rebel under those scenarios and that fact, more so than where he was educated, may be why his son rebelled against his authority.
   
     
7. The next issue raised was "Over-Reliance Upon Sheltering."  Sheltering can be a huge issue in private school, as well.
   
   I would admit that there is a bit of sheltering going on in our home. As parents, we believe that it is our responsibility to protect our children from certain influences at this stage in their lives.  I cannot control everything, nor do I think that is reasonable to expect.  However, there are certain topics which I don't wish my 7 and 9 year old children to deal with right now. However, if my children where in the local public school, these topics would have been discussed when my children were in kindergarten, with no option for me as the parent to have them opt out. I believe that it is perfectly OK, and even biblical, to protect my children from evil influences where I can. How can I tell my children that it is a sin to lie, but then tell them that it is OK for them to answer a question on a test which directly contradicts Scripture?
   
    
8. The next issue raised was "Not Passing On a Pure Faith."  Again, this is not an issue which can be isolated to home schooling families. Whether or not your faith is passed onto your children is not due to your choice of education for them. 
   
   Mr. Bradley states that he has "observed too many obedient, model homeschoolers, who left their families and/or abandoned their parents’ values sometime after their 18th birthday. Mind you, many of these parents ran such a tight ship that they were absolutely certain that their kids would continue to be obedient and godly into their adult years. And many of these were parents who were admired for their well-behaved teenage children. There is a great temptation for such a parent to develop a false security in his or her ability to control. Needless to say, when good children grow up and abandon our values, it has a way of humbling us."
   
   I have seen many young people, which were educated in private christian education, abandon their parents' values after they left home. This is not something which can be isolated to being home educated. In general though, children sometimes forsake the faith of their parents. In some cases, I believe that they probably should. Especially, when their parents faith is not a genuine faith. Our spouse and kids can see if what we believe, and live out, matches what we say.
   
   
     
9. The last issue raised was "Not Cultivating a Loving Relationship With Our Children". I have witnessed many families where the children were to be seen and never heard, especially in public. I have seen families where the children were treated as secondary individuals and were only there to serve the father. I have seen situations where children were to be doing chores so the father could sit in his chair and watch the football game.  An absentee parent is a problem in society as a whole. It crosses economic, social and racial boundaries.  Again, this issue is not isolated to where your children are educated.
   

Ultimately, the article and subsequent blog post are about parenting pitfalls to avoid.  I believe that both lack balance since they seem to identify these problems as primarily home school specific issues.  As I read both articles, I read numerous instances of where home education fails children.  Then, seemingly against all odds, I was given examples of public schooled children who were exposed to every sinful thing the world had to offer and yet amazingly lived godly and pure lives.  Praise the Lord for his protection, but we need to remember that it was the Lord who protected them.  I am positive that if you honestly look hard enough, you can find statistics and examples as to why Christian parents shouldn’t send their children to public school because they will be exposed to evil and could be tempted to leave the faith.  The same could even be said of private Christian education.  Only in that case, many of the children are learning how to "walk the walk and talk the talk."  If their heart is not reached, when the child grows up he/she could walk away from the parents' faith.  I've seen it.  Or, as these articles so clearly articulated, one can find home school education examples where the children were too sheltered, judgmental and unprepared for life in the real world and when they went out on their own become ensnared by the trappings of the world.  Also, in each one of the scenarios listed above, you can readily find many examples showing us that despite where the child was taught, he/she went on to live for the Lord.  The real issue is not where our children are educated.  As parents, we can really only do so much.  I will suggest to you that your faith, as you reveal it and live it out in your home, will have more influence on your children than anything else you can tangibly do for them. 

Rather than focusing on where a child is educated, may I suggest a couple of items:

• Pray for your child.
• Be consistently biblical with your child.
• Do not provoke your children to wrath.
• Allow them to make some decisions.  Children need to know how to learn from their mistakes.
• Be firm when you need to. 
• But most importantly, give them grace and show them Christ.

Our actions as parents cannot guarantee that our children will ultimately surrender to and live their lives for God. Only God can do a work on their hearts and bring them to Him. We need to have faith and believe that it's all up to the Lord. He is the only one who can get to their heart.